you can still catch the last one…

Upcoming Events Listed in the February 2006 Newsletter of the International Goat Association (IGA):

-National Workshop on Goat & Sheep, March 4

- Goat Production Workshop, March 11

- Goat Workshop, April 10-13

- International Symposium to discuss goat farming in Central and Eastern European Countries, June 27-30

ZPG: now available in shirts too!

Washington, D.C. — April 25, 2006. ZPG Founding Director and Head Honcho/Chief Executive Big Banana Jonny5 announced the arrival of ZPG cotton t-shirts with the original ZPG logo today, putting Wall Street analysts in a frenzy as ZPG stock prices went through the roof.

*Update 1/24/07 — I’m now taking orders for a batch Zero Per Gallon shirts, custom-made by a local screen-printing expert right here in SF. Shirts are American Apparel, preshrunk, 100% cotton, available in any size. $20 + shipping. EMAIL ME IF YOU WANT ONE.

upping the ante with goats and cats

Walker upped the ante yesterday. She wrote,

“Did I tell you that I love goats? I’m not kidding. I’ll eat a goat if you roast Awesome on a spit.”

OK, you asked for it. I’ll roast Awesome on a spit if I can use your Mini Cooper as the barbecue. (It’ll be just like last year, when that car next to yours spontaneously caught on fire, and charred the crap out of the Mini, only this wouldn’t be spontaneous and accidental. We’d fill up the Mini with charcoal, open the sunroof, and get to it.) Waddya say?

Joe Barton’s got oil dislexia

“Refinery capacity continues to lag behind demand in this country.”
-Rep. Joe Barton (R-Tex.), chairman of the House Energy and Commerce Committee (from the Washington Post, 4/25/06)

memo to Joe: we Americans are greedy bastards, and always want more of everything. It’s not a capacity problem; it’s a demand problem.

our prez, on gas prices

W on gas prices, 4/18 (whitehouse.gov)

“Let me remind people that these high gasoline prices are caused by primarily three reasons:

One, the increase in the price of crude oil… It’s tight supply worldwide, and we’ve got increasing demand from countries like India and China, which means that any disruption of supply or perceived disruption of supply is going to cause the price of crude to go up. And that affects the price of gasoline. [Always smart to blame other others.]

Secondly, there’s increasing demand. At this time of year people are beginning to drive more, getting out on the highways, taking a little time off, and they’re moving around. And that increasing demand is also part of the reason the price of gasoline is going up. [It's a temporary summer thing, not a 100% dependence thing.]

And, thirdly, we’re switching fuel mixes. The summer fuel mix is different from state to state, and is different from what is being used in the winter. And, therefore, the combination of these creates higher gasoline prices.” [Huh? the new mix makes that much difference? I think somebody just wanted to have a list of 3 things...which is always better than just 2. Two just doesn't hold water.]

cheap gas still available in eastern Wyoming!

According to the USA National Gas Temperature Map, by GasBuddy, UT, ID, WY, and MT have the cheapest stuff in the country. As low as $2.37/gallon. Everywhere else, especially CA and NY, averages almost a buck more.

I’m thinking of creating a similar map, called the USA National Bike Temperature Map. It’d be solid blue: $0.00.

caution: startling, surprise, or excitement may cause temporary paralysis

yet more proof that goats were not intelligently designed: fainting goats.

apparently, myotonia congenita is to blame, but we’ll leave it to self-professed “goat lover” donna hatcher to exlpain it to us in layman’s terms.

relatedly, walker wrote these shocking words yesterday:

“i love goats. in fact, they’re my second-favorite farm animal, after sheep.”

i’m temporarily paralyzed.

HORRIBLE SEGUES, WITH LOCAL ANCHORMAN CLIVE RUTLEDGE

BY CHRISTOPHER MONKS
(from mcsweeney’s, 4/21/06)

- – - -

“… Authorities are investigating if the alleged beating constitutes a hate crime. I don’t know about that, but earlier this evening I was ready to pull a hate crime of my own on the heavy traffic out there. Let’s go to Julie in the Action News chopper to see if it’s thinned out. How ’bout it, Julie?”

- – - -

“… Well, folks, that last story proves yet again how emotionally damaging incest can be. Thankfully, Mr. Food is here with an artichoke-dip recipe that proves yet again how emotionally satisfying a tasty appetizer can be.”

- – - -

“… Thanks, Liz, for that poignant profile of that sweet little orphan boy. As always, viewers, if you’d like to find out more about our Wednesday’s Child, you can visit the Action News website. And if you’d like to find out more about Thursday’s Survivor: Exile Island event, which I host every week at the Applebee’s on Route 38, just visit my brand-new page on MySpace. I have 57 friends already!”

- – - -

“… Speaking of date rape, the 23rd Annual Cat Show is under way and it’s as popular as ever.”

- – - -

“… The fire left 19 people homeless and took over seven hours to burn out. If only my gonorrhea burned as long. Ouch! It keeps going and going! Just kidding. It’s pretty much all cleared up. Mostly. Regardless, Dr. Tim is here with a report about the best new prescription drugs for sexually transmitted diseases. Take it away, Dr. Tim. Please!”

- – - -

“… Last night a tractor-trailer jackknifed across the median near the junction of Route 38 and Interstate 95. Nobody was seriously injured. Too bad it didn’t happen on a Thursday, because then they could have walked over to the Route 38 Applebee’s where I host the weekly Survivor: Exile Island viewing party. Last week was crazy. I totally outplayed, outwitted, and out-body-shotted everybody!”

- – - -

“… Experts say speed dating’s popularity continues to rise. After seeing that clip featuring the hottie in the halter-top, something else is rising, too, heh-heh, if you catch my drift—that’s right: interest rates. Today the Federal Reserve recommended they be upped by half a percent.”

- – - -

“… The teachers’ strike shows no sign of ending. Neither does my drinking problem. Hey, since we’re on the subject of problems, check out this footage of a German baby born with two heads. Yeesh!”

- – - -

“… Studies show that one in every seven women will suffer from breast cancer during her lifetime. Phew. Thank God I’m not a woman. But if I were, I’d be a lesbian, ’cause I am all about the ladies. That brings us to our next headline: Four Maimed at Ani DiFranco Concert.”

- – - -

“… Rescuers admit they hold little hope of finding the missing mountain climbers. It’s been over a month since they disappeared somewhere in the Andes. That means they’ve missed five—count them, five—Survivor: Exile Island events at the Applebee’s on Route 38. Remember: girls dressed in Survivor buffs get their first drink on the house, so be there or be square! The Clive has spoken!”

it’s just like being in the U.K.

$4.50/gallon for the premium stuff at the Gulf Station on Old Fulton St., under the Brooklyn Bridge in NYC. I heard they’re getting little red phone booths and double-decker buses, too. (NY Daily News, 4/19/06)

the 2006 CAT CHALLENGE continues…

from erin, in CO:

“Our cat killed the neighbors’ bright green and yellow budgie [pet bird] after torturing it in front of their kids and then watching it die a slow death on our front lawn. Plus, we get at least one vole a day in rent payments from Cleo…Sophie, the boy cat, is above all that killing nonsense and prefers to wait impatiently for the next meal. Who are the awesomest cats now?”

that oil stuff sure is getting pricey!

Oil hit a record $72.20 a barrel today. Ouch. This might merit a celebratory spin after work.

act now! these sites are STILL AVAILABLE!

a selection of “high profile” goat domain names for sale from www.goatdomains.com

AMERICANGOATBREEDER.COM
BIGGOATS.NET
BLUERIBBONGOATS.COM (and .NET and .US)
COOLGOATS.COM
FULLBLOODGOATS.COM
GOATAGANZA.COM
GOATCAMP.COM
GOATMANIA.COM
GOATPEDDLER.COM
GOATSR.US
GOATSRCOOL.COM
GOATSTATION.COM
GOATSUSA.COM
MEATGOATRANCH.COM
MYGOATSFORSALE.COM
MYGOATZONE.COM
SHOWGOATS.US
TEXASGOATMEAT.COM
THEGOATMAN.NET
TRYGOATMEAT.COM
USAGOATS.COM

the 2006 CAT CHALLENGE IS ON!

Walker threw some harsh words at me a few minutes ago:

“I bet our cat’s awesome reputation in our neighborhood rivals yours in your
neighborhood. Except that her name isn’t awesome.”

WOAH. I beg to differ.

I wrote back to Walker:

“I doubt Emma’s reputation is as reputable as Awesome’s. Even without the supercool name. My cat follows people the grocery store, makes kids laugh, makes old people smile, makes squirrels run away, keeps dogs attentive, keeps criminals at bay, and renders mice AWOL. I dare you to claim Emma does as much.” [I neglected to mention that Awesome has NEVER absentmindedly knocked ANYTHING off of a table or countertop, and that includes wine glasses. ehem ehem. I also neglected to mention that strangers regularly call me to inform me of the amazing awesomeness (awesomenosity?) of Awesome]

the 2006 CAT CHALLENGE IS ON!

walker’s response:

“emma makes house calls, follows mcdog and kira on walks, jumps in people’s cars, greets me in the driveway every day, plays with all the neighborhood dogs, kills snakes, and is generally considered the friendliest cat in the neighborhood. everyone loves her.”

fair enough, but she didn’t mention that emma a) infuriates mcdog; b) knocks wine glasses off of kitchen counters, and c) knocks over potted plants onto carpets like it’s her job.

but walker makes a good point: ” we can’t have an in-person show-down, because cats only act their best in their own neighborhoods.”

she speaks smart words, that walker.

best Craigslist post ever

so this dude has been posting the same thing on washington dc’s bikes-for-sale forum for the last 6 months…and craigslisters (me included) regularly mark his listings as spam. why? cause it’s unfair for him to clog the primo advertisting space on top of the list, and because after 6 months it’s clear that nobody wants his stuff. his rebuttal: he reposts his bike like a dozen times a day. the counter-rebuttal: more people hate him. the result: a craigslist war. witness the beauty of this post:

Oh specialized Coaster Man, why can’t you take a hint? – $50

Date: 2006-04-11, 4:45PM EDT

Oh specialized Coaster Man, why can’t you take a hint?

I offer these emails from the last month (exhibits A, B, C, D, E, F, and G) as
evidence of the irritation you cause. I also offer, as a special bonus, my
favorite “ad” you’ve ever posted.

Keep it up, since you make us laugh.

——

Exhibit A: (2/27/06)

Buy my piece of crap SPECIALIZED coaster bike! – $60

I list it over & over hoping that the craigslist community will finally pay me
the money just for the sake of making me go away. Although I should probably
just give the bike away for free, my time is obviously worth NOTHING and I
continually post the bike — often upwards of 12 times in a single day. Sure, I
change the name from “Specialized” to “Coaster” to “bike shop quality” to “punk
style,” but it’s still the same piece of junk. I wish everyone could be like me.
Just think — Craigslist would have the same 9 million listings every day, the
same crap nobody wants all year long.

Get a grip.

——-

Exhibit B: (2/28/06)

Everyone realizes that this guy is the Nishiki guy, the Free Spirit guy, etc,
right? Nothing better than trying to scam people into paying unreasonable
amounts for a POS.

He’s been doing this shit for a year. I’m proud that all of you are standing
firm and flagging his ass.

He’s also got the Schwinn “BMX” “Gladiator” scooter, whatever the hell those
mutually exclusive terms mean. I hear it’s tres cool in Kali.

* this is in or around La La Land

——-

Exhibit C: (2/28/06)

Please, oh please go away you guys. Your bikes, are really not worth much. Given
that, if you continue posting your bikes, at least try to come up with something
different everyweek.

Please go away soon, because my friend just bet me a case of Magic Hat that your
ad will stay up untill Jan, 2007. And i don’t doubt him.

——-

Exhibit D: (3/1/06)

WANTED: Specialized “HOTROCK” 20″ coaster brake bike – $1 (forever)

I’M LOOKING TO BUY A SPECIALIZED “HOTROCK” COASTER BRAKE BIKE. 20″ WILL BE
PERFECT FOR ME. WILLING TO PAY UP TO $1. SHOULD BE A MEN’S BIKE, WITH P.O.S.
PARTS. THANKS

PLEASE LET ME KNOW IF YOU HAVE ANYTHING TO SELL

——-

Exhibit E: (3/1/06)

WTB: Specialized “HOTROCK” 20″ coaster brake bike – $999

Gosh, I have been looking for a Specialized “HOTROCK” 20″ Coaster Brake Bike for
the past 6 months. Does anyone have one for sale? I would pay anything you ask
for it, that’s how much I want to own this totally awesome bicycle MACHINE.
Hotrock! Anyway, the coaster brake is great because I like not stopping. Also,
this bikes small 20″ size is ideal, because it enables me to fit the entire
frame in my butt. So please, let me know if you have one for sale!

Thanks!

——–

Exhibit F: (3/7/06)

re:10 speed bike – made in USA – $30 – $1

Is this the same guy who was trying to sell the Specialized “hotrock” coaster
bike? (The modus operandi is the same.) What is your time worth? Why re-post
this thing over & over? Time to check out CL’s “Free” page. Lots of stuff like
this on that page.

——–

Exhibit G: (3/7/06)

re: 10 speed bike – made in USA – WOWWWEEE!! – $30

Hey everyone! Buy my crummy bikes from me! If you don’t I will continue to post
them every day, 1,000 times a day, until you all chip in to pay me off.

These bikes are the finest in quality. Complete with rusty chains & cables. But
to make you feel better about throwing away money on something I should have
posted on Craig’slist “Free” page, I’ll give it an exotic name like “SPECIALIZED
Hotrock Coaster bike” or “Gladiator-style scooter” or “Unique British BMX” or
“Made in USA 10 speed Rallye bike,” whatever those idiotic terms mean! Here’s an
example of my crappy merchandise (Note the exotic rust-colored chain & brake
cables. These are truly one-of-a-kind.)

Best of all, my listings (and re-listings and re-re-re-re-listings) are ruining
the marketplace you used to call craigslist.

By the way, I’m an idiot!

——–

*Special Bonus: my personal favorite: (2/28/06)

bike shop quality Kids –

Specialized “HOTROCK” 20″ coaster brake bike -
Specialized “HOTROCK” 20″ coaster brake bike
Specialized “HOTROCK” 20″ coaster brake bike
Specialized “HOTROCK” 20″ coaster brake bike
Specialized “HOTROCK” 20″ coaster brake bike
Specialized “HOTROCK” 20″ coaster brake bike
Specialized “HOTROCK” 20″ coaster brake bike

fender-bending nimrods

John Kelly, in today’s washington post, writes that he’s tired of “fender-bending nimrods.” Why? Because the poor guy has to (get ready for this) actually WAIT for other people, sometimes even SLOW DOWN! John’s take on people who get in his way: “move it.”

Memo to John Kelly: “they” are not the problem. impatient people like YOU are.