Awesomest fan mail yet:

“Dear Jonny5, I am a huge fan…your website…is by far, for lack of a better term, awesome! I too am an avid biker and more recently a goat hater… Please accept these home-made t-shirts as a token of my appreciation and esteem for your excellent work on Zero Per Gallon. Rest assured no goats were consulted, employed, or otherwise used in the making of the shirts….”

-Hillary, from Alexandria, VA

*Hillary made me three of the coolest shirts ever. My favorite has 3 bicycles on the front, and, on the back, this warning: “ALL GOATS – KEEP BACK 500 FEET.”

more evidence that goats = NOT awesome

Dan wrote a note to me last month, from Charlottesville, VA. He had this to report.

“My favorite lunch spot, Just Curry, had a goat curry today. Just a 1 day deal. But it was good. Geez, goats are so awesome. “

Something seemed off, so I looked up the phrase “goats are so awesome” on Google. Wouldn’t you know it: I got no responses. Maybe that’s because goats are NOT so awesome.

The American Library Association can lick my scrotum

“Inappropriate”
Published in The New Yorker, 3/12/07
By Paul Rudnick

A children’s book that included the word “scrotum” was recently the subject of great controversy in school libraries nationwide. A Google search has discovered several more questionable titles and excerpts from other works intended for readers twelve and under.

—

“The Pretty Little Bunny”

Melissa, the pretty little bunny, woke up one morning in May and said, “I think I’ll hop-hop-hop over to the carrot patch. I’m so pretty that all of the carrots will jump right out of the ground to see me.”

“You are very pretty,” said Melissa’s Bunny Mommy. “But your sister is pretty, too, and she doesn’t spend all of her time looking at herself in the mirror.”

“But is she as pretty as me?” asked Melissa. “Just look at my vagina.”

—-

“The Clattery Caboose”

Carl the Caboose had worked for the railroad for a long time. He loved it when little children ran alongside the tracks and waved to him. But Carl was getting older. His bright-red paint was peeling, his wheels were getting squeaky, and don’t even ask about his prostate.

—-

“Where’s Waldo’s Hand?”

—-

“The Lonely Little Moonbeam”

The lonely little moonbeam would sleep all day, and then wake up and shine all night long, to guide people on their way. But he was lonely, because people never looked up and smiled at him. They were too busy performing fellatio.

—-

“Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret, and I Need It Bad”

—-

“Cornelius Thimbletuck and the Wizard of Trewe”

Every night, Cornelius would pray that his parents would rescue him from the Smudgebury Orphanatorium, and every morning he’d awaken on his hard, wooden cot. And so before eating his meagre ration of watery gruel he would masturbate until his palm bled.

—-

“Oh, the People You’ll Do”

—-

“The Lion Princess”

Tarandiria, the beautiful lion princess, was strolling through the tall grass one day with her mother, Queen Malafala. Tarandiria said, “Mother lioness, whenever I see that handsome leopard over there I get a strange, tingling feeling.”

“Where do you get this feeling, my child?” asked the Queen.

Tarandiria told her, “In my hyena.”

—-

“Betsy Barstow, Colonial Girl”

One fine morning, as Betsy went to the village well in the Olde Massachusetts Baye colony, she ran into her best friend, feisty Katey Karmody.

“Oh, Katey,” said Betsy, “I have such news! My father and my brothers are joining up with the militia to fight the British, so that we may all be free!”

“Oh, Betsy, that is news!” cried Katey. “My nipples are like muskets!”

—-

“The Big Floppy Penis”

—-

“The Little Mermaid at Sea”

As Ariel cavorted through the waves and foam, she thought to herself, How I love the sea and all its friendly creatures. How I love capering and leaping from cove to lagoon. How I love to be at one with the grand undersea kingdom, but I think I have crabs.

—-

“A Modern Child’s Garden of Verses”

Smart Susie O’Malley just loved her computer,

She didn’t need pencils or books or a tutor.

Chad had a laptop, a Mac, and a modem,

He Web-cammed smart Susie a shot of his scrodem.