NOW ANNOUNCING ZPG BELTS!

I’ve started making belts! Out of old bike tires! And no goats! They keep your pants from falling down! They look friggin’ cool! It’s like recycling, but better! It’s so exciting!

— Advanced Praise for ZPG belts —

“Man, that ZPG belt is tough — you could club a seal with that thing!”
-Adam

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I’ve been scheming this up for a while now, and at long last, *almost* every detail is in place. So here’s the deal:

This operation of mine is not very high-tech, and it’s not supposed to be. I ride to bike shops around town, collecting bike tires otherwise destined for landfills. Sometimes, I bring beer to the guys and gals in the shops, to thank them. Then I carry the tires home on my shoulder, and often look like an idiot, or some crazed hoola-hooping biker.

Once back at ZPG world headquarters, things get a little more technical. I use a crafty little homemade tool to cut the beads off of every tire. (I’m making a giant rubber ball out of the beads.) Then I clean the tires with Simple Green (a biodegradable citrus solvent). After that, using a little rivet installer, I fasten a buckle onto each belt. Then I punch holes in the other end. When all is said and done, I turn on a 900-degree branding iron, and burn the name ZERO PER GALLON into every belt I make. As you’d expect, creating the SooperDooper-Quik-’N-EZ NoHands Keep-U-Riding Fastening System (SDQNEZNHKURFS) takes some work.

These ZPG belts cost $20, and are available in 4 colors and 3 sizes:
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Redish
Yellowish
Greenish/blueish
Blackish
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Small (fits a 31″ waist)
Medium (fits a 34″ waist)
Large (fits a 37″ waist)
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***Update October 2008*** These photos feature belts made with velcro, which I don’t make anymore. The colors are the same, but now there’s a shiny chromed buckle on one end.

More importantly, this isn’t some Indonesian assembly-line factory. It’s just me. As a result, I’m starting out gently, and only making 500 belts. Yep, just 500. If people want more, I’ll step up and make more.

Not surprisingly, a lot of friends have suggested that I ought to hire someone, or somehow outsource the production of ZPG belts. In these conversations, the phrases “scale the business,” and “think about growth” often come up. Since the beginning of this scheme, though, I’ve had one answer.

I DON’T WANT TO GROW. There, I said it.

I like the size of my belt operation as it is right now. I enjoy making and selling them, and I enjoy talking to my esteemed customers. If I grow, I’ll lose what I love. Work will overwhelm me. I’ll spend too much time inside, too much time cutting and grommeting and emailing, and I’ll probably get arthritis and lose my golden California tan and end up with really pale, pasty skin with tons of blue veins showing through. Yuck. More importantly, I’ll lose my time — time that I spend outside, biking and climbing and sailing and otherwise galavanting around; time that I spend with my friends; time that I spend working on other projects; time that I use to breathe. In short, I’ll lose my life. And what’s the point of working toward that end?

So that’s why I only make 10 belts a day.

Think of it this way: I hand-make the belts, one at a time. I shove ‘em into boxes myself, and drop ‘em off in the mailbox with my own two hands. Sometimes I jam out in my little shop. Sometimes I drink a couple of beers. No matter what, I’m smiling. So if that sounds good to you, I hope you’ll wait, patiently. It’s for a good cause.

Thanks for understanding. Now buy some belts for you and your friends!

-Jonny5
Head Honcho, Zero Per Gallon