Akron’s first alleycat

Since I’m such a fan of the heartland, I’m sponsoring Akron’s first alleycat: the Rubber City Alleycat, on April 5th. Tell your fellow Ohians, and look out for flying beer cans. (Last time I rode a bike in Ohio, some dude threw a can of beer at me as he drove by.)

Rejected Mcsweeney’s Submission (#4)

YOUR LANGUAGE. YOUR ECONOMY. YOUR RIDICULOUS MARKETING THEME.

your security. your taxes. your local police department.

your desire. your money. your monthly credit card statement.

your health. your privacy. your public urinal.

your satisfaction. your thirst. your disposable coffee cup.

your freedom. your safety. your orange traffic cone.

your hygiene. your comfort. your toilet paper.

your personality. your style. your pre-washed snarky t-shirt.

your energy. your mobility. your gas station.

your pleasure. your bachelorhood. your lubricated condom.

your future. your retirment. your pre-recorded television gameshow.

fuck swearing

A fella in Bakersfield emailed me this note two days ago:

“Love the fact that you’re promoting cycling, and the $0.00 per gallon concept is brilliant! Kudos to you, and hope you make some serious money off of it. However, hate the fact that you use profanity on your website – that’s really uncalled for. Why not get rid of it? Nothing wrong with making cycling family friendly, plus I suspect you’re clever enough to come up with witty things to say without using it.”

Here’s what I wrote back:

Thanks for shouting out, and for digging the ZPG idea. I dig it too, though I can assure you, making serious money on the idea is not part my plan.

Having lots of fun, though, is… and that’s sort of the reason for much of the profanity. But let me make my case better: I’m a trained writer. I studied it in college, got a master’s degree in journalism, and have written for many big publications. And then, just like that, I burned out on it — at least on parts of it. Everything started to seem so dull and formulaic, and much of it became soporific to me. Now, I don’t wanna type everything in UPPER CASE, or use a million !!!! exclamation points, and become some sort of ranting lunatic [like so many in the blogosphere], but I do wanna make my writing more real, more honest, more human. And since I’m an adult (and since most of my readers are adults), I use the words shit, fuck, ass, and whatever else I can come up with.

Bear with me: I don’t think there are any “bad” words. I think it’s possible to write (or say) extremely derogatory/vulgar things, but I don’t think the problem is the array or curse words out there. Sure, the words help. But it’s the sentences, and the intent behind them, that hurt. Now go back and look what I’ve written. Most of it’s a parody of something I’m fed up with. It’s opinionated — and maybe even rude — but not belittling, or insulting. In fact, I don’t even think it’s inappropriate for kids. Language has power only because we give it power. Someday, we’ll have used up the power of the words fuck and shit, and we’ll come up with some replacement… and then another.. and then another…. endlessly reinventing some “naughty” word.

So, the way I see it, getting rid of particularly words isn’t the way to go. Cycling is (and always will be) family-friendly — and if my website forces some parent out there to have a discussion about language and appropriateness, I’m all the happier for it. And in the meantime, I hope it keeps most everyone else out there laughing, and maybe even thinking about what the fuck we’re saying.

—

Thoughts/comments anyone?

Rejected Mcsweeney’s Submission (#3)

BAND NAMES THAT BABA, YOUR JEWISH GRANDMA, WOULD NOT APPROVE OF

Dr. Dreidel
Gephilte Phish, w/Leftover Lox
Limp Brisquet
Supatraif
Axl Rosenberg
Abba

man-powered transportation

a bike, some snow, and bunch of cheapass beer. what more is there?

Rejected Mcsweeney’s Submission (#2)

APHORISMS THAT NEVER CAUGHT ON

16.5 one way, half the ounces in a Nalgene bottle the other

5 one way, half of your metatarsals the other

3 one way, half the number of beers in a six-pack the other

106 one way, halfway to the boiling point of water, in degrees Fahrenheit, the other

4 one way, half the number of pounds in a gallon of water the other

800 one way, half the meters in a mile the other

5 followed by 99 zeroes, half a googol the other

Rejected Mcsweeney’s Submission (#1)

MALE ANATOMY: SPAM OR SHAKESPEARE?

1) dart of love
2) one inch wonder
3) three inch fool
4) willy
5) roger
6) huge male meat
7) thumping latoya
8. potent regiment
9) potato finger
10) codpiece
11) trouser mouse
12) great tool
13) long tool
14) good root
15) bouffant body part
16) great natural
17) poll axe
18) sword
19) weapon
20) baby carrot
21) little finger
22) one-eyed monster
23) holy thistle
24) pizzle
25) prick
26) instrument
27) organ
28) stump
29) thing
30) cock
31) winter power
32) queen size fuck stick

Answers: 1) shakespeare; 2) spam; 3) shakespeare; 4) spam; 5) shakespeare; 6) spam; 7) spam; 8. shakespeare; 9) shakespeare; 10) shakespeare; 11) spam; 12) shakespeare; 13) shakespeare; 14) shakespeare; 15) spam; 16) shakespeare; 17) shakespeare; 18) shakespeare; 19) shakespeare; 20) spam; 21) shakespeare; 22) spam; 23) shakespeare; 24) shakespeare; 25) shakespeare; 26) shakespeare; 27) shakespeare; 28) shakespeare; 29) shakespeare; 30) shakespeare; 31) spam; 32) spam

42 years of retro greatness

I wonder if these are still available

I feel like a celebrity

Scott used to weigh 501 pounds. Then he started riding a bike. Now he weighs 240lbs, and runs a website called Large Fella on a Bike. (His first website was called So Fat I Crushed My Bike and Now I’m Stuck and This Hurts.)

Via that site, Scott’s interviewed a whole lot of cool bikey people, including Don Walker, Sacha White, and Richard Sachs.

Then he interviewed me, and the whole thing took a dive for the gutter. Somehow, I managed to talk about shitting in mailboxes, fucking cats, running over Secret Service agents, and cock rings, all in one brilliant interview.

In other celebrity news, I shaved my head, got a tattoo, changed my name, and bought a Harley. Just kidding.

ZPG did make it onto Timbuk2’s homepage, though, thanks to Mark from Minneapolis.

Now all I need is the commensurate fame and glory. Anyone, anyone?

Stealing my shit

An *unnamed douche-burger out there tried to steal my shit yesterday morning. Here’s what *he posted on a couple of bike forums:

“Hey all commuters, would you want a sticker for your fender ? your bag or whatever….I am selling zero per gallion stickas $1.00 each, patches also for
sale $5.00 pm me before they delete my account becasue they think I
stole the idea. I saw the idea online and am passing it along locally.”

So I wrote to the *unnamed douche-burger:

“Your lack of style disappoints me…Guess what: you DID steal the idea. You stole MY idea. I never gave you permission to sell my stickers or patches. Like many people, you saw the design online. Thing is, you’re not “passing it on.” You’re
stealing it.”

I asked *him to stop selling any stickers or patches *he had made, to destroy them, and to return any money that *he had already made on them to the deceived customers, along with a little note explaining why *he was doing so. (I offered to help *him write that note.)

The *unnamed douche-burger played it smart, and responded with mighty prontospeedosity (and misspellings):

“I ABSOLUTLEY did not mean to copyright or steal frm anyone. I mearly meant it in fun and was quickly shown that I was wrong. Again I did not recieve anything as I just thought of this,…this last weekend. I am sorry for any trouble and… have already contacted the printer and cancelled the oreder. Again im sorry. “

My favorite part, though, is the excuse that *he threw in there. *He claimed that *he didn’t discover ZPG until after he posted the stickers and patches for sale, which is sorta like saying, hey, I wasn’t stealing and selling your stuff, I was just correctly identifying the stuff that I blatantly copied.

Whatever. I’m over *his douchebaggery and sleazy antics. *He’s lucky I didn’t sick a herd of evil goats on him.

*The unnamed douche-burger lives in Dayton, MN and runs LEZGO Cycling.