I’m Jonny5, and I approve this blog post.

Inspired by a NY Times story about the history/use of the phrase “I’m [insert politico's name here], and I approve this message,” I came up with some of my own. But first, some primo examples:

mouthful of a non sequitur: “I’m Mike Huckabee and I approved this message because Iowans have a right to know the truth about Mitt Romney’s dishonest attacks on me and even an American hero, John McCain.”

awesomely bitter: I’m Angie Paccione, and I approved this message because if Marilyn keeps lying about my record, I’ll keep telling the truth about hers.”

grammatically + logically retarded: “I’m Don Cazayoux and I approved this message because that’s who I’m fighting for.”

kinda postmodern: “I’m Don Cazayoux, and believe it or not, I approved this message.”

a little bit creative: “I’m Mike Huckabee and I approved this message. So did Chuck [Norris]“

—-
[If only these were real]
“I’m Sarah Palin, and – ah, you know — this message, I mean, this advertisement, on television — for me — even flat screens, these days — I made it — I mean, I gave it the permission — wait, I mean, I give my my approval — I approve it — because, ah, I want — because I’m trying, ah, because I’m going to–”
VOICE OFF SCREEN: –because I’m running–
“–yah, because I’m running, to be, ah, with John McCain, the vice president, of the country — you know, the united states, of which I’m so proud of.”

“I’m John McCain, and I approved this message because whether or not I get tempermental, the fact remains that I’ve known Henry Friggin’ Kissinger for longer than you’ve been able to piss in a pot.”

“I’m Barack Obama, and I approved this message because my father was from Kenya, in case you somehow missed the other 68,000 times I’ve said that.”

the debate went more or less like this (part II)

mccain: obama said he’d talk with ahmadinejad. that’s bad.
obama: i didn’t say i’d have tea with him.
mccain: talking with bad guys is stupid and dangerous. i’d never do that because smart people like henry kissinger would never do it. that’s my philosophy -  WWHKD?
obama: I’m pretty sure henry kissinger said he’d meet with ahmadinejad.
mccain: no way, he’s my advisor and i know him better than you.
obama: do not.
mccain: do too. i’ve known him for 35 years.
obama: whatever. he used to babysit me when i was a kid.
mccain: 35 years, 5 months, and 13 days, not that I’m counting.
obama: he taught me how to ride a bike.
mccain: we took vacations to Bangkok together…
obama: he was at my bar mitzvah.
mccain: once, we went to a show, with two hookers – i mean two nice ladies.
obama: he and my father used to sit around the fireplace and talk about politics until 4am.
mccain: we got so hammered! i don’t even know if they were men or women!
obama: then he’d crash on the couch, and snore through breakfast.
mccain: henry kept shoving his tonuge into her ear!
obama: in a way, kissinger influenced me to get into politics.
mccain: did you know that thai hookers are on average 4″ taller than cambodian hookers?
jim lehrer: ok, next question-
mccain: hold on, i’m summoning the republican powers of reagan. see that halo around me? that’s better.

the debate went more or less like this:

mccain: i take care of those veterans.
obama: so do i.
mccain: i take care of them more than you do. this bracelet was given to me by a veteran. it guides me in everything i do.
obama: my veteran’s bracelet is bigger, and shinier and glows like in the Lord of the Rings. See?
mccain: when veterans stop by my senate office, i give them back rubs.
obama: i let them sit in my chair, and put their feet up on my desk as I give them foot massages.
mccain: i spend a week each year volunteering at a veteran’s hospital.
obama: me too. I tuck them in at night.
mccain: i tell them goodnight stories and sing them lullabies when i turn the lights out.
obama: I’m a regular contributor to Veteran’s Weekly Guide and This American Veteran and on the editorial board of Veteran’s Digest.
mccain: I own 51% of the shares of Veteran’s Media Holdings, Inc., which publishes those magazines.
obama: i have recurring dreams about veterans, and my next book will be dedicated to them.
mccain: i’ve written or sponsored 183 bills honoring our veterans.
obama: i donate 18 percent of my income, after taxes, to charitable veterans organizations.
mccain: my adopted daughter is a veteran. i love her so much.
obama: i shop only at stores run by veterans.
mccain: i’ve been a member of veteran’s union #19 for 35 years.
obama: all of my clothes were made by disabled veterans on welfare living in federal housing projects.
mccain: i founded the Washington DC chapter of the American Association of Veteran’s Support Networks.
obama: two thirds of my staff are veterans.
mccain: i’ve got more. plus we sit in prayer circles every morning at sunrise and pray for other veterans. that’s how much i care about them.
jim lehrer: Ok, time us up. next question-
obama: just one more thing before we move on, Jim – as a teenager in hawaii, i lived in a veterans hippie commune. i literally loved them.
mccain: my wife, cindy, is not actually a woman. she’s a veteran, and after a terrible accident, had an operation-
jim lehrer: -OK, next question….

ZPG empire still expanding

ZPG’s been steadily growing for the last couple of months — and ZPG merch is now available at five new stores: Chenango Point Cycles (Binghamton, NY); Green Tee Gallery (Knoxville, TN); Thick Bikes (Pittsburgh, PA);  the Bicycle Emporium (Auburn, CA); and the Arkay Workshop (here in San Francisco, CA). The really cool part: the staff at the Bicycle Emporium will soon all be wearing 53 Miles Per Burrito shirts. Boomsticks!

Also, because my heart is so big and I love biking so much, I’ve recently sponsored a few more events: the Dia De Los Muertos alleycat in Fort Collins, CO; the Bike Pavillion at University by the Sea, in Long Beach, CA; and the 3rd annual Supermarket Street Sweep, here in San Francisco. I’ve raced in that last one twice and had tons of fun, and will be the first to admit that I can’t wait to ride fast in the cold, rainy, darkness that is early December.

ZPG skateboards in the house

ZPG skateboards are now in the house, thanks to Julien Stranger and Mike Novak, at Antihero/Deluxe Skateboards.

Check it out — even the soundtrack is sweet.

SeatCam3000 goes mountain biking in Downieville

downhill in downieville

Originally uploaded by jonny5waldman

4,200 feet of descending = tons of fun, especially on a kickass full-suspension bike.

Alleged Goat Felons on the Loose in the DRC

This breaking goat-news just in from the BBC:

A dozen goats have been released from prison in Kinshasa, and are now presumed at-large –  no doubt spreading evil.

Deputy Justice Minister Claude Nyamugabo ordered the goats released, after discovering them on a “routine jail visit” — which sort of makes you wonder what else he discovered.

At least the cops in the Democratic Republic of the Congo do things right: for illegally selling goats, the owners AND the goats were put behind bars.

*ZPG summer belt sale*

Summer’s just starting in San Francisco, so it’s time for a little ZPG summer belt sale. For the next little while, all belts are $20 — even the belts with the fancy brass buckles. Mmm, shiny…

For you non-math-wizards, that’s 20% off.

Go git ‘em!

Best bike jerseys around

Keri and Ryan were sporting these rad Super-Relax jerseys the other day, and looked so relaxed I knew I had to get one. Spread the word! Ride happy and brand-free! Metaphorically punch “the Man” in the face! No goats!