The Industry That Keeps On Spinning…

Remember that scene in Total Recall where Arnold Schwarzenegger realizes he’s been (or being) brainwashed?

Well, this is sort of like that, except instead of Martian spies, it’s the Auto Industry. They’re brainwashing us yet again.

Apparently, the EcoDrivingUSA campaign has been around for a few months now, but I missed it. (I’d been checking out EcoDriving.com, but my Finnish isn’t so good.) So when I saw a banner ad on the NYTimes yesterday, all environmentally-friendly green and sans-serifed-out, I figured I’d check it out.

First thing at the site, the Governator delivers a rousing video spiel. He tells us that simple things, like that proper tire pressure, avoiding rapid starts, and keeping your engine tuned can (if you drive a gas-guzzler) make your car 15% more efficient. He then connects the dots, saying that we hear a lot of ideas from politicians… but none of them will affect gas prices right now. That’s the first time I laughed, because the non-sequitur is sly: using, and hence purchasing, less gas is not the same as affecting gas prices. But whatever. I get the point.

For good measure, the Governator closes by denigrating politicians once again, saying, “But we don’t have to wait for the politicians to take action…” He continues: “Power to the people! Get to the choppah! Do it now!” Just kidding.

Elsewhere on the site, there’s a video that features Colorado Governor Bill Ritter (a dem) delivering my second favorite quote: “Part of this is to demonstrate that a republican governor and a democratic governor really do together understand the power of this.”

Huh? Does the demonstration of your understanding of the program’s alleged power thereby make it powerful? Or does the power of “this” matter far less than the fact that Ritter and the Governator are, at least, demonstrating something together? Does it even matter what they’re demonstrating? Or are we just supposed to let them talk, and not actually pay attention to their words?

Soon, the narrator delivers my favorite quote. He’s urging us to give “EcoDriving” a chance while “The nation’s auto makers continue developing in research and development at a record setting pace… because technology takes time…while auto engineers continue their work.”

Their work? Like inventing tank-sized vehicles named after remote parts of North America? Like not improving fuel efficiency for thirty years while pretending that minivans with built-in TV screens are the perfect thing for the age of Peak Oil?

It’s a great excuse for yet another break for an industry in tough times.

But I don’t want to rant, so instead, I’ll resort to my marketing 101 primer: Calling a product something doesn’t make it so. Duh. GoreTex isn’t waterproof or breathable, coal isn’t clean, and Ecodriving isn’t eco. It’s a way to make the way things are continue to be OK. At least we’re trying, right? Here’s a pat on the back, old chum.

And that’s my beef with Ecodriving: it’s the wrong “solution” to the right problem (which is either gas supplies or gas prices).

There are, of course, three basic ways to attack the problem:

1) From the top (somehow subsidize the creation of 200mpg hybrids for everyone prontospeed)
2) From the bottom (try to improve the efficiency of the nation’s crappiest 8mpg vehicles)
3) From the side (maybe we drive too much; might we encourage/promote/facilitate other behavior?)

Obviously, it’s not in the Auto Alliance’s interest to promote option #3. The manufacturers are in the business of selling cars (and have a long history of scuttling other transportation options.) And, depressingly, it’s not within the Auto Alliance’s technological abilities to promote #1. So we’re stuck with option #2.

Now, option #2 wouldn’t be so terrible were it not presented as so much more than the band-aid that it is. And that’s my beef with it. It is not “a groundbreaking initiative,” and it is not a “grassroots” movement, and it is not addressing the root of (or even most of) the problem.

Alas.

It would be nice if the Environmental Defense Fund — which, sadly, signed on to the “campaign” — said something to the effect of: “Hey, doing something is better than nothing,” or, “It’s a start.”

It would be nice — honorable, even — for the Auto Alliance to admit that we’re in this mess (and I say we because we’re now looking at bailing them out) largely because of the SUV’s they went berserk producing and marketing and selling.

And it would also be nice if we — us American drivers — repented our sultry, intoxicated, high-speed affair with the SUV and moved on, really changed, rather than pretending to change, and in so doing, started to laugh at PR stunts like this.

Chowing down at the Tour de Cupcake

The good folks over at the Bike Kitchen put on an alleycat yesterday — the Tour de Cupcake.

Two things amazed me about the race:

1) Almost 500 people came out for it, making it by far the largest alleycat race I’ve ever been to, let alone heard of. The amazing part, though, was that I recognized almost nobody. There were newbies everwhere. Most people there had never raced in an alleycat before, and weren’t members of SFFIXED — SF’s hipster fixie web forum. It just goes to show how fast something good can grow on its own, especially when used for a cause as worthy as a fundraiser for the bike kitchen.

2) The rules of the race stipulated that each rider would earn a 2 minute deduction for every cupcake that he/she ate, which is as good an incentive as any to chow down while riding. But how on earth does one guy my size (~165lbs) eat 23 friggin’ cupcakes in a matter of an hour? I remain duly impressed.

Here’s to the the Bike Kitchen and that guy’s stomach.

Taking your car everywhere you go

Brilliant!

Free shipping!

To, uh, stimulate the local economy, I’m reducing the price of ZPG belts. Huzzah! 12.5% off!

One way to look at it: $20 gets you an authentic ZPG belt, including free shipping!

Another way to look at it: ZPG belts are only $17.50 + shipping — what a deal!

Another way to look at it: I’d pay anything to for a product that’s guaranteed to be goatless!

Tell your friends and neighbors! Tell your friends’ neighbors, and your neighbors’ friends! Good luck!

The 3rd debate: my vision

THE RULES FOR THIS DEBATE ARE A LITTLE BIT DIFFERENT
by Jonny Waldman

Good evening from Hofstra University in New York, and welcome to this third and final presidential debate, sponsored by the Commission on Presidential Debates and by Taco Bell. I’m Jonny Waldman, a new media consultant hired by CBS News to improve ratings and viewership.  Bob Schieffer declined at the last minute to host tonight’s debate, which is a little bit different than the other debates, so I’m filling in.

Tonight’s debate, as you can see, is the only one with a bar-room format. That’s why there’s a bowl of pretzels next to me, and a gin and tonic in my hand. That’s also why there are no chairs in this venue. There are, however, four open bars in the corners, a boxing ring in the middle, and a dartboard and big-screen TV next to it — but I’ll get to that in a minute.

First, I’d like to thank the Gallup Organization, which has chosen two hundred uncommitted voters from local bars, and brought them here. As you can see, they are milling about the room with me. I’ve been here since noon, and I can report that most of the attendees are thoroughly drunk. About an hour ago a bunch of guys behind me started complaining about their plummeting stocks, and since then feelings of anger and belligerence have spread around the room. Honestly, I’m pretty pissed, too. And definitely tipsy.

As you can also see, the attendees have been given paintball guns, as well as five hundred paintball pellets, which have been marked with the official seals of every state in the Union. Pellets from red states are red, blue states are blue, and tossup states are yellow. For what it’s worth, Washington, DC and U.S. territories are not represented. I’m sure a lawsuit will come of this. More on this in a minute, too.

Rest assured, this is sure to be an exciting debate!

Tonight’s forum will be the debut of some amazing advances in debate technology. The candidates’ handheld microphones have been modified to deliver painful electrical shocks. RFID chips have been inserted into the candidates’ shoes, allowing sensors in the floor to track the candidates, so that viewers at home can follow their moves. On your screens, Senator McCain will be represented by a red Mr. Potato Head icon, and Senator Obama will be represented by a blue Barney icon. Slow-motion, high-definition cameras have been mounted throughout the room to capture the action. The candidates have been provided with puncture-resistant attire and safety glasses, though they have agreed not to throw darts at each other. The candidates have also been wired with medical sensors, so that viewers can observe their heart rate, temperature, blood-alcohol content, and breathing patterns as they answer questions and drink margaritas and react to electrical shocks while dodging paintballs and throwing darts and watching the National League playoffs — all at the same time, right here, live, on nationally-broadcast television.

Tonight’s debate will be conducted in three twentyfive-minute rounds — I mean segments — with two five-minute intermissions in between. During the intermissions the candidates will have the opportunity to visit the restroom, have a cup of coffee, change their clothes, or lie down — anything but keep talking. Meanwhile, CBS News will offer instant replays, highlights, bloopers, and political analysis, while continuing to monitor the candidates’ movements and medical condition. If either candidate requests a restroom visit, a coffee break, couch time, or a change of clothes during the battle — I mean debate — he will be electrically shocked, and attendees will be free to take aim with their paintball guns. Similarly, if a candidate keeps talking during the break, he’ll be shocked and deemed fair game.

Because this is the final debate, and there’s so much to discuss just weeks before the election, questions will not be asked one-at-a-time, as in previous debates. Attendees will be free to yell out their questions whenever they want.

Hold on a minute, not just yet. Almost.

Candidates will only have twenty seconds to answer questions; if they go over the limit, they will be electrically shocked, and attendees will be allowed to fire their paintball guns. If the candidates dodge questions, or don’t answer fully — the same treatment;  they will be shocked and paintballed. If either candidate stands still for more than ten seconds, same deal.

Unlike previous debates, this forum also encourages candidates to talk to each other at the same time, discussing political issues and beliefs the way most Americans do. I know that’s how I do. If they don’t, they will be zapped, and attendees will be allowed to pull their triggers. Furthermore, attendees here and voters online have submitted phrases they are tired of hearing — which include “maverick,” “my friends,” “middle class,” “veteran,” “Kenya,” “my record,” “the Senate,” and “voted.” For the full list, go to CBSnews.com, or watch the ticker on the bottom of your screen. If any candidate mentions one of these forbidden phrases, he will be shocked, and attendees will be permitted to fire at will. As a sponsor of this debate, Taco Bell has agreed to offer one free taco to every American tomorrow if either candidate mentions the phrase, “run for the border.” Last but not least, I will on occasion interrupt the questioning, and ask the candidates to update me on the baseball game, which will be playing on the big-screen TV. If a candidate is unable to authoritatively report what’s been going on, he will be shocked, and attendees will be free to take aim. I have a paintball gun, too.

If, at any point, anyone here runs out of paintballs, he or she may collect five hundred more by chugging a beer in less than thirty seconds. We’ll be covering this story, too.

Now, about that boxing ring right there. The candidates have agreed to remain inside it. This is in part to encourage face-to-face discussion between the two candidates, but it also to give the attendees here a good, clean shot. You’ll note that Senator Joe Biden and Governor Sarah Palin are also present tonight, sitting behind protective glass enclosures on opposite corners of the ring. This is because the candidates may, if necessary, “tag out,” and have their respective vice-presidential candidates fill in. Once a candidate “tags out,” he may not return. On your screens, Senator Biden will be represented by a blue Oscar the Grouch icon, and Governor Palin will be represented by a red Miss Piggy icon. There are additional forbidden phrases, obviously, for the VP’s.

OK, just a few last rules, and then I need another gin and tonic.

Each candidate is wearing an American flag pin on his lapel, just above his heart. If a candidate’s flag is hit with a paintball, the candidate will — as you probably suspected — be shocked and deemed an open target. Believe me, I know: the symbolism will be overwhelming. On the other hand, the candidate must not, under any circumstances, cover up his flag pin, unless he wants to be unsupportive of the troops and unpatriotic. Should that happen, he will forfeit the fight — I mean the debate — immediately.

At the end, we’ll tally the paintball hits each candidate received, and break down what states the paintballs represented. The results won’t actually mean anything, but it should make for a nice graphic.

Finally, as per bar-room-format rules, during the last thirty minutes, each candidate has taken three shots of tequila and chugged three beers, to loosen up. They are now ready to debate.

Ladies and gentlemen, it is now my distinct pleasure to introduce the candidates, Senator Barack Obama of Illinois and Senator John McCain of Arizona.

Let the games begin.

Now in print: “Written on the City” or, Has anyone seen my book-release party? I’m looking for my book-release party. It should be awesome, in honor of the awesome book I spent so much time working on.

My* book is out! It’s on Amazon! It’s awesome! Newsweek calls it “Poignant … funny … and thought-provoking.” And it is! It’s about love and hate and beauty and secrets and sex and drugs and desires and tons of other stuff that someone out there is trying to tell you. It’s full of provocative photos and goodies, among them: conversation tips from 1952; instructions for how to talk dirty; the revolutionary history of speakers’ corner; a judge’s reprimand of a DC tagger; a harrowing message in a bottle; a creative history of the term “vandalism,” a tragic timeline of graffiti’s saddest day; and this fascinating summary, a la Harpers Index, of recent scientific breakthroughs in understanding graffiti:

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A psychologist in New Zealand found that graffiti in female restrooms tended to be more “polite and interactive,” whereas graffiti from male restrooms was more “argumentative and negative.” Economists in Brazil found that women from Brazil were four times as likely to write graffiti about sex as women from Spain, and that Spanish men were seven times more likely to write graffiti about politics than men from Germany. A criminologist in Indiana suggested that unprosecuted graffiti written by college student groups reaffirmed the “existence of a class-based system of justice.” An education researcher, studying graffiti by Latino adolescents in East Los Angeles, suggested that writing graffiti serves as a purposeful “public literary practice.” Public Health researchers in Scotland found that Europeans who live in areas with high levels of graffiti are 50% more likely to be obese. Three Swedish psychologists found that drunk, frustrated graffiti artists tended to create graffiti with more scrawling.
—-

Kinda bizarre but also cool, right? The whole book is like that, cause it’ was designed by Josh and Axel, of a little studio here in SF called Language In Common.

Here’s more stuff I did. See if you can find me in the photos.

*Yes, I said “my,” while I am perfectly aware that my name is not on the cover. How Designs, the publisher, had a contract with Josh and Axel. Josh and Axel hired me. I wrote 80% of the book, and get a big shout out on the “about the authors” page — but I didn’t get my name on the cover. You and me both: we are bummed. Yet we remain proud.

ZPG’s newest homepage – Oct., 2008

I’ve changed things up… spiced up ZPG’s homepage, cleaned up the about page, and gotten rid of superfluous stuff like BLING, and GP, and boring verbs.

The new index is sleek and mysterious, and has a typo in it. Ugh.

The last index was soooo cool, right? Yeah, yeah. I don’t even have those jeans anymore. Or that bike.

While I’m at it, might as well show off the complete history. Here’s #1, the original index page:

Sweet Cycling Movies

A couple months ago, this guy, Brendt Barbur walked onto the stage of the Victoria Theater and said, “I love avocados! I love beer! I love riding up hills! I love SAN FRANCISCO!!!”

He got a rousing cheer, because was introducing the Bicycle Film Festival, in a city that loves biking.

Now Puma’s got some awesome cycling-related movies (my favs are “promo” and “festival”), which get me just as jazzed up. The music is pretty sweet, too.