Evil Goat News, part 8 (thanks, alert readers)

I’ve never worked in law enforcement, so I can’t speak from experience, but I imagine that cops have seen pretty much every trick in the book, and that they’re not deterred when their suspects transform themselves into goats. I mean, come on — you’d  have to be a total rookie to fall for that move.

That’s why police in Lagos, Nigeria, are holding a “black and white beast” (also known as a goat) in custody. According to the Kwara State Police Command Force, the goat is actually an armed robber who tried to steal a Mazda 323, and then, just before being apprehended, transformed into a goat. Apparently, there was a second car thief, but he got away, or transformed himself into something less obviously evil, like a squirrel, or a bird, or a tire, or a newspaper, or pretty much anything. I think Harry Potter once said something about using the powers of sorcery and witchcraft carefully.

The “best quote in the story” prize goes to Tunde Mohammed, a police spokesman, who was probably asked about what sort of investigation would follow.  “It… has to be proved scientifically,” he said, “that a human being turned into a goat.”

Buzkashi: the best team sport ever invented

If you blinked you might have missed it. This phrase — “A large black goat, beheaded, disemboweled” — was on the front page of the New York Times. Alas, you probably missed it. But not to worry, that’s why you’ve got me, your eyes in the sky, your one man surveillance team, your intrepid GITMMW (Goats-In-The-Mainstream-Media-Watchdog).

Now, the NY Times has run a couple of other stories mentioning goats, but this goat story was different… it was fantastic. It was about (and I’m not making this up), an ancient team sport, passed down from the days of Genghis Kahn, in which three teams of men on horseback in a dusty field compete to:

1) scoop up the 70-lb carcass of a frozen, beheaded, disemboweled goat;
2) gallop around a pole 75 yards away with it;
3) race back to their goal with it still in their possession

For completing elements 1, 2, and 3, a team is awarded 1 point. Matches often go to 30 or 40 points.

Yes, I know, it’s both the best use for goats I’ve ever heard of, and also maybe the best team sport ever invented. It’s called Buzkashi (which means “goat pulling”), and acclaimed war journalist Dexter Filkins calls it “polo played with a dead animal.” It’s times like these in which the life of a war journalist really has its appeal.

But wait, there’s more. Among other things:

a) There are no real boundaries to the game
b) Spectators, when not getting trampled, yell things like “Go in there and grab that goat!” (except in Farsi, which probably sounds way more dramatic)
c) Competitors whip each others’ horses and each other
d) The referee carries a Kalashnikov, in case things get out of hand
I’m not sure what was implied by “out of hand,” as the rules seem pretty clear to me.

How does it all end? How else: the winning team roasts the bedraggled goat. A thing of beauty. And they say sportsmanship is all gone.