The (turtle) bachelor

All you haters can read my wikipedia entry for Awesome (the cat), except that those bastards at Wikipedia deleted it prontospeed

Awesome (the cat)

-Summary
-Awesome’s story
-Childhood, and gender revelation
-Feline adolescence
-Supposed abandonment
-Blatant falsehoods

Summary

Awesome the cat is a rugged beast who roams the Mt. Pleasant neighborhood of Washington, DC, particularly Kilbourne and 18th streets. He has exceptionally thick black fur, with white spots on his feet, chest, and stomach. His whiskers are unrivaled, his tail is elephantine, and his dreadlocks approach Bob Marley’s in quality. He has never lived indoors, or used a litter box, or been bathed. He eats with his fingers, and licks his chops. He reacts to catnip much in the way that Marion Barry reacted to crack. He’ll eat canned cat food, but he prefers barbecued meats. He regularly catches squirrels and birds. He sleeps where he feels like it. He doesn’t take crap from anybody. He is a manly, rugged cat, even if he doesn’t have balls anymore.

Awesome the cat is also, behind the furry veneer, an exceedingly friendly animal. He is a neighborhood socialite, snubbing nobody. He’ll follow you for blocks. His meow is one of greeting, not one of whining. He’s an extrovert, and likes shoving his tail up your shorts or attacking your foot. He’s not all goth and creepy and reclusive and Unabomber psycho like some cats. Awesome is awesome.

Awesome’s story:

Awesome was just a small, gender-neutral un-named furball when Jonny Waldman found him on December 29, 2005. This was at the Columbia Rd./Calvert St. gas station, where Jonny had stopped to fill up his tires. Awesome (then un-named) climbed out of a stack of tires, and inspected the inside Jonny’s Nissan like he owned it. It was a warm day. Jonny asked the gas station attendant about the lineage of the nascent beast, and was informed that the cat had been left there, abandoned. So Jonny adopted it, and brought it home. The next day, Jonny walked up to Petco, on Connecticut Ave., and paid $8 to have Awesome’s name etched into a small metal tag.

Childhood, and gender revelation

Less than two weeks later, big news reverberated around Mt. Pleasant. Here’s the original news announcement:

—

VET DISCOVERS BALLS; AWESOME IS A BOY!

Jan 12, 2006 — Washington, DC — Shock! Disbelief! Insanity! Two weeks after being adopted and brought back to life, Awesome, and his/her/its true identity, has at last been revealed by a medical expert — and it’s not what anybody thought.

According to an unnamed, undescribable veterinarian at the DC Humane Society, Awesome the cat has two awesome tiny cat-sized testicles hidden somewhere amid his thick black fur, making him a full-fledged member of the male club.

Soon after Awesome’s balls were discovered, they were surgically removed, though, prompting calls from Mr. Milton Ballsman, the president of Washington’s Male Club Local Union 43, to deny membership status to Awesome.

Mr. Ballsman, though, retracted his statement after Jonny5, Awesome’s awesome owner, threatened to remove Mr. Ballsman’s balls if anyone so much as thought of messing with Awesome.

Employees at the DC Humane Society, overhearing Jonny5’s awesome threat to protect Awesome and Awesome’s awesome status as a male, cried out in support of Jonny5.

“Word up!,” one said.

“That’s awesome for Awesome,” said another.

“Meow,” chimed in Awesome.

And then, while nobody was looking, the unnamed veterinarian hung TBTFBTA (The Balls That Formerly Belonged To Awesome) from the rear-view mirror of his 1996 Toyota Camry, and sped off towards the Maryland suburbs.

—-

Feline adolescence:

Over the next seven months, Awesome thrived under Jonny’s care at 3161 18th St. Awesome grew furrier, and dreadlockier, and learned to fetch sticks. He learned how to antagonize the two huge dogs next door, while avoiding their wrath. He learned how to peek into the kitchen, and how to climb up onto the roof. His popularity grew, even though he never joined Facebook or Myspace. He humped every female cat in the neighborhood, and never wore a condom, and never fathered any offspring. Awesome was a party animal, and was a key part of the Triumvirate of Awesomeness, the other two elements of which were a Keg of YuengLing and a barbecue grill fashioned out of a 55-gallon steel drum. As always, Awesome didn’t restrain his awesomeness.

Supposed “abandonment”:

In July of 2006, Jonny moved to San Francisco, and left Awesome under the care of his neighbors at 3159 Kilbourne St. Awesome would have liked San Francisco, and Jonny wishes he could have brought Awesome to the west coast, but Awesome would not have fared well during a month-long stop in Wyoming, a land of much larger, furrier, ruggeder, more carnivorous beasts. So it was with great sadness that Jonny said so long to Awesome. “Keep on being awesome, Awesome,” he said.

Blatant falsehoods about Awesome the cat:

Contrary to the opinions of some softer, wussier cat-owners:

*Awesome the cat would not “be happier indoors.”

*Awesome the cat would not be “happier without all those dreadlocks.”

*Awesome the cat does not “need to see a vet.”

*Awesome the cat has not “been abandoned.”

Additionally, a statement on one neighborhood forum attesting to Awesome the cat’s age (“this has been his home for almost a decade”) is untrue, unless 3.5 years equals “almost a decade.”

Furthermore, the statement “he was left behind by his irresponsible previous human” is both syntactically weird and unsubstantiated. First, “Previous human” suggests that Jonny was once, but is no longer, a human. This is not the case. Jonny hasn’t forsaken the species, and still has balls. And while “irresponsible” may be a suitable description for Jonny, it is unsubstantiated in this case, as Jonny carefully arranged for Awesome’s care after his departure. If anything, bringing Awesome to Wyoming to get devoured by a coyotoe/moose/bear would have been irresponsible. Last but not least, Jonny is not Awesome’s human anymore than Awesome is Jonny’s cat. Jonny believes that you east coasters gotta stop getting all possessive about relationships like that, loosen up a bit, maybe smoke a little bit of crack if that’s what it takes.

Take THAT, Alcoholics Anonymous!

ZPG is biggering and biggering: more shops, more merch, more fun.

I’m most excited about new “53 miles per beer” stickers, and, at long last, “53 miles per burrito” patches.

Tell your friends Santa just woke up from hibernatation, went on a bender, shaved his head, got a skanky tattoo, and traded in his sleigh and those dumbass reindeer (parking was always a bitch, and you know how NOT fun it is to clean up reindeer poop in a plastic bag? You can’t use just a regular bag. You need a friggin industrial size garbage bag!) for a classy Italian bike. Yeah.

Hitler, on the frustrations of owning a car