Zero Per Gallon

Jonny5’s personal story, and that of his incredible rise to the top of ZPG, is a classic American saga of hard work, success, and achievement. It’s a captivating tale about a worker, a fighter, a thinker, a biker, and a goatless crusader. His biography is the real fuckin’ deal.

Born in a Midwestern blizzard in 1978, j5 grew up a virtual orphan as a result of not being a twin. Everything changed in 1981, when his sister was born, and everything changed again, in 1983, when his family relocated to the historic 5 (pronounced “five”) family compound, outside of Washington, D.C. It was there that he spent his most formative years.

From an exceedingly early age, the young Jonny5 showed an aptitude for language and science. By age 6 he had demonstrated mastery of the basic curse words shit, fuck, bitch, and ass; by age 7 he also had also mastered pinche, chinga, mierda, pendejo, and puta. With English and Spanish under his firm grasp, he turned his young focus on science, wowing the world with his innate engineering talent. In 2nd grade, he astonished upper-elementary-classmen by taking a surprise first place finish in the RCFESVC-SD (Rock Creek Forest Elementary School Velcro Championships -Shoe Division). The school principal then nominated little Jonny5 to represent the Montgomery County school district in the MSVC (Maryland State Velcro Championships), and young Jonny5 began his formal tutelage of the ancient art of VAR (Velcro Application and Removal) under a local master. Jonny5 trounced (in the most sportsmanlike way, of course) the competition, and brought home the MSVCT (Maryland State Velcro Championship Title) having set 3 new Maryland VAR records in the process. A week later, little Jonny5 won the NVC (National Velcro Championships) , and later that summer, after months of rest and recovery, young Jonny5 won the WVC (World Velcro Championships), becoming the youngest ever to do so. He then went out and bought a pair of red lace-up Converse All-Stars, and permanently retired from the sport at the peak of his game.

In middle school, Jonny5 took an early liking to politics, and in 7th grade was elected to his first public position, serving for a few weeks as the JAAMCMRLLLSMAFF (Junior Assistant Associate Manager of the Committee to Make Recess Less Lame and Less Short and More Awesome and Fun-Filled) — a prescient forecast of intense political involvement to come. Under young j5’s Junior Assistant Associate Management, recess was rendered less lame and less short and more awesome indeed: by the addition of a slip-n-slide and a spitball target practice range, and the permanent elimination of four-square and 5th period. In 8th grade, a maturing Jonny5 sensed danger lurking, and founded FGCA (Future Goatless Crusaders of America). It was then that young Jonny5 began pondering life’s most complex and difficult publlic policy conundrums. Goats or no goats? — that was the question.

Jonny5 entered high-school during a period of national tension, during the M.C.-Hammer-pants-with-rolled-up-cuffs-are-everywhere revolution. Unrelatedly, it was then that Jonny5 began to heart bicycles, only back then, nobody actually said “heart,” as in “I heart bicycles.” Back then, in those tense, pre-I.M. times, Jonny5 “enjoyed” bicycling.

In college, Jonny5 diligently studied…stuff. Extracurricularly, he organized the first ever POD (Political Olympic Decathlon), in which two teams of competitors in suits (red ties v. blue ties) raced in the following categories: foot dragging, sleeping at the wheel, passing the blame, double-talking, stone-walling, back-stabbing, character-assassinating, money-laundering, pork-funneling, and denying. (Six years later, neither team has finished competing, and Jonny5 finds it unlikely that either ever will.) After graduating with the most laude ever heard of, he got a job in Boston and began riding his bike to work. He then rode his bike across the country and resided in rugged
Western lands for a few years. Shortly thereafter, he rode his bike into the ground, and got a new bike, and then built another, and another, and another. Last year, he returned to his native Eastern lowlands with a new vision of what his homeland and fellow foreign homelanders’ respective homelands could be.

In a moment of inspired caffeine-induced glory, in October of 2005, J5 founded Zero Per Gallon, and was then elected unanimously by himself to the head honchoship of ZPG as the organization’s sole representative to the world’s entire human population. As the big kahuna at ZPG, Jonny5 serves on five influential committees, four very-important task-forces, three prestigious executive councils, two top-secret board groups, and one all-encompassing kickass trade association. (*To apply for membership on any of these groups, please contact Jonny5.) Since taking the helm as chief executive big banana of ZPG, Jonny5 has been a strong voice for ZPG in Washington. In fact, he’s been lobbying the shit out of elected representatives, working tirelessly to promote the ZPG agenda:

* Advocating and embracing policies to make ZPG a competitive leader in America
* Promoting faith-based ZPG education forums around the world
* Protecting Americans from corrosive, sinful, moral-fabric-destroying un-ZPG-ish ideas
* Strengthening and supporting the leg muscles necessary to make bikes move
* Removing baseless, unproven goat-promoting “science” from public school curricula

Jonny5 has consistently stood strong with the brave men and women who ride hard and believe in ZPG, and will continue to do so until he’s hobbling around on crutches, shitting in a diaper, slurping dinner out of a straw in Boca Raton, mumbling about the good old days when bikes were made of lugged steel and not some fancy-shamncy space age carbon fiber shit.

Since taking the pulpit at ZPG, Jonny5 has demonstrated inspiring, innovative, constructive leadership. What started out as a mere sticker to poke fun of greedy idiots careening around with 250 extra horsepower of cushy leather seats and noisy, polluting, internal combustion engines only to sit in traffic with other dumbasses has become…more than just a brilliant slogan to poke fun of greedy idiots careening around with 250 extra horsepower of cushy leather seats and noisy, polluting, internal combustion engines only to sit in traffic with other dumbasses; it’s now a spoke card, too. Patches and t-shirts are in the proverbial pipleline. It’s this kind of business savvy that has won Jonny5 wide recognition.

Prior to his election to the ZPG big enchilada, j5 was the leading goatless leader in America. Since founding FGCA (Future Goatless Crusaders of America) 15 years ago, he has presided over, consulted for, advised, or otherwise counseled and guided nearly every goatless association in America, including People for the Goatless Way, Americans for an Entirely Goatless Society, the Union of Concerned Goatless Freaks, Americans for Goat Reform, the Center for Goat Restraint, Concerned Goatless Advocates for America, the Goatless Research Council, Goatless Folks for Choice, the Advisory Committee on Goats and the Damage They Cause, Consumers United for a Goatless America, Washingtonians for a Goatless Majority, and the Association of Eastern Goatless Crusaders. He served on the President’s Why-Not-All-Furry-Farm-Animals-Are-Good Executive Council, and has the distinction of having served as the chairman of the board of USBGOG (United States Board of Goatless Oversight Groups) longer than anyone else in history, an indication of the confidence, faith, and trust that the people of his homeland have regarding him.

Jonny5 has received various prestigious awards and recognitions, including NAAMBNEATG’s (North American Association of Mostly But-Not-Entirely Absurd Trade Groups) Antigoat Crusader of the Year (2001-2004); the National Goatless Club’s 2005 Annual Achievement Award; the National Goatless Enforcement Association’s Citizen Rights Defender Award; the American Goatless Federation’s No Friend of Goats Farm Bureau Award; the Southern Texas Association of Goatless Farmers’ Fighter for Goatless Enterprise Award; and the North American Association of Residents Against Any Goats in My Back Yard International Leadership Legislative Award. Jonny5 also received an honorary degree in Goat Studies from Harvard University.

Jonny5 is an active hitch-hiker, skinny dipper, rodeo-attender, axe-grinder, stick-of-butter eater, tornado-survivor, spell-checker, slackline-walker, trackstand-trickster, jello-bather, pineapple-wearer, deodorant-abandoner, litter-picker-upper, and hyphen-user. He’s also a sucky marathon runner, a fierce grommet installer, a buoyant swimmer, a respectable pasta-cooker, an advanced duct-taper, a long-armed climber, a generous cat adopter, a diligent bike builder, and a tireless anti-goat crusader. He also really enjoys swearing at bad drivers. He is currently the Head Coach of the Under-32 National Fun Team, the Ranking Bearded Member of the DC Pirates Awesomeness Committee, an Honorary fellow of HAHAS (Hanover Association of Humor And Satire), Special Assistant to the U.S. Department of Redundancy Department, Managing Director of the United States Obvious Team, and Chief Operating Officer of J5CGSS (the Jonny5 Center for Giggling and Silly Stuff.) He’s a former U.S. Champion Turtle Herder, and former winner of the YMSF (Yo Mamma’s So Fat) Award for excellence in yo mamma jokes. He has only one sweet bike…AND NO GOATS!

Jonny5: working really really REALLY hard for the ZPG community, for families in the hood, and for all of America.

*CONTACT* His Royal Excellence the Honarable Plenipotentiary Head Honcho Chief Executive Big Banana of ZPG Himself, Mr. Jonny5, at:

Jonny5 / ZPG

jonny5 [at] zeropergallon.com
301 706 3662 cell

May the FSM (Flying Spaghetti Monster) bless you.

**** **** ZPG: Goatless Since 1978. Guaranteed. **** ****