Posts filed under 'LISTS'
Rejected McSweeney’s Submission (#5)
LUKEWARM EBAY FEEDBACK
(By Jonny Waldman)
Depending on your definition of “good,” product arrived more or less as advertised!!!
Postage was firmly attached to box!!!!!
Seller does not have a criminal record!!!
Product has no mold or mildew and does not smell like vomit!!!!
Name and address on product were legible and spelled correctly!!!
Bubble wrap used as packing material was full of genuine air!!!!
Return address was properly positioned in upper left corner — exactly where it should be!!!
Seller only charged 8.5% sales tax!!!!!
Cardboard box is reusable, and recycleable in most states!!!!!
Seller is moderately proficient with email and replied to most inquiries!!!!
Pleasant transaction — no hassles or threats or coercion!!!!!
Payment by notarized, certified cashier’s check is annoying, but not terrible!!!
Seller’s ebay store has nice graphics!!!!
Product appears genuine, or very very very good imitation!!!!
1 comment August 5, 2008
Rejected Mcsweeney’s Submission (#4)
YOUR LANGUAGE. YOUR ECONOMY. YOUR RIDICULOUS MARKETING THEME.
your security. your taxes. your local police department.
your desire. your money. your monthly credit card statement.
your health. your privacy. your public urinal.
your satisfaction. your thirst. your disposable coffee cup.
your freedom. your safety. your orange traffic cone.
your hygiene. your comfort. your toilet paper.
your personality. your style. your pre-washed snarky t-shirt.
your energy. your mobility. your gas station.
your pleasure. your bachelorhood. your lubricated condom.
your future. your retirment. your pre-recorded television gameshow.
Add comment January 27, 2008
Rejected Mcsweeney’s Submission (#3)
BAND NAMES THAT BABA, YOUR JEWISH GRANDMA, WOULD NOT APPROVE OF
Dr. Dreidel
Gephilte Phish, w/Leftover Lox
Limp Brisquet
Supatraif
Axl Rosenberg
Abba
Add comment January 24, 2008
Rejected Mcsweeney’s Submission (#2)
APHORISMS THAT NEVER CAUGHT ON
16.5 one way, half the ounces in a Nalgene bottle the other
5 one way, half of your metatarsals the other
3 one way, half the number of beers in a six-pack the other
106 one way, halfway to the boiling point of water, in degrees Fahrenheit, the other
4 one way, half the number of pounds in a gallon of water the other
800 one way, half the meters in a mile the other
5 followed by 99 zeroes, half a googol the other
1 comment January 21, 2008
Mexican Mountaineering Advice
Kev, Jon, and I went to Mexico two weeks ago, and climbed Izta (17,340′). We also checked out the pyramids at Teotihuacan, climbed Nevado de Toluca (15,400′), and slept on the beach about 30 miles north of Acapulco (aka AcaVegas). Here’s what we learned:
- Acclimatize slowly but steadily, especially if you live at sea level. If you do hire a taxi, consider having the driver NOT drop you off in the middle of nowhere at 13,600′ on your second night in Mexico.
- Get a sombrero and have it with you at all times. A sombrero is great for keeping your pretty little face out of that high-altitude sun, and also for covering up your puny white ass when Pacific waves rip your shorts in half and you have nothing else to wear for the rest of the day.
- Bring utensils on your trip up Ixta. When the coyotes at Paso de Cortes eat ALL of your bread products, you will be happy to spoon down PB, jelly, and Nutella the old-fashioned way.
- Be sure your ice axe and crampons are fastened securely to your pack. You won’t need that stuff to climb Izta, but when weight-training, you’ll be much more comfortable if all that weight isn’t sloshing around.
- Set some rules governing your taco-eating habits, and stick to them. Prerequisite: learn the names of all available meats and meat-products. Stomach, tongue, and brains, when they have been frying in oil for 3 weeks, look much like every other meat, and are not recommended.
- Bring immodium, but avoid using it. For, as Shakespeare said, ’tis better to poop too much than not to poop at all.
Add comment April 9, 2007
act now! these sites are STILL AVAILABLE!
a selection of “high profile” goat domain names for sale from www.goatdomains.com
AMERICANGOATBREEDER.COM
BIGGOATS.NET
BLUERIBBONGOATS.COM (and .NET and .US)
COOLGOATS.COM
FULLBLOODGOATS.COM
GOATAGANZA.COM
GOATCAMP.COM
GOATMANIA.COM
GOATPEDDLER.COM
GOATSR.US
GOATSRCOOL.COM
GOATSTATION.COM
GOATSUSA.COM
MEATGOATRANCH.COM
MYGOATSFORSALE.COM
MYGOATZONE.COM
SHOWGOATS.US
TEXASGOATMEAT.COM
THEGOATMAN.NET
TRYGOATMEAT.COM
USAGOATS.COM
2 comments April 18, 2006
places to avoid in september
-Bainbridge, PA: home of the 28th annual Falmouth Goat Races
Add comment April 3, 2006
favorite bike stickers (not including ZPG)
-honk for finger
-one fucking speed
-how are gas prices?
-no emissions vehicle (1lesscar)
-ride it like you stole it (gaansari)
1 comment March 21, 2006
put that in your nalgene and drink it
some t-shirt mottos/slogans that came to me the other day:
-Nordic Roots
-I am the target demographic
-Winter: WTF did you expect?
Add comment March 21, 2006
things that don’t suck
-brie + avocado / cold beer in hot shower / baileys + cocoa / iced coffee
-puffy down jacket
-drysuits
-italian bikes
Add comment March 21, 2006
things that suck
-skunks in my bivy sack
-robert mugabe / tom delay / halie selassie / W
-car traffic
-the MIA trail, Zion NP
-blackflies / biting ants / biting ants in my bivy sack / blackflies AND biting ants in my bivy sack
Add comment March 21, 2006
bumper sticker ideas
-1 person/1 car = traffic
-my footpower beats your horsepower
-my POS is faster than your BMW
-wanna ride in my horseless carriage?
-your SOV (Single Occupant Vehicle) is an SOB
-don’t mess with this velocipede
Add comment March 21, 2006
stuff our society has all wrong
-the way we hide death, and any evidence of mortality, from modern life
-general environmental ethics or the lack thereof
-drugs and dependence on over-the-counter pills
-entertainment (passive v. active)
-public transportation and zoning
-fast food (it’s fast, but it’s not food.)
-government protecting me from myself
Add comment March 21, 2006
