Hotter in a helmet?

Attention Bikers: Ride your bike to the brothel in Berlin and get 7% off all kinds of sex acts!

I know, I know, I too I was under the impression that the demand for sex (and alcohol) was inelastic. Apparently some idiot/genius named Thomas Goetz, who probably didn’t go to a liberal arts college and instead got a far more valuable education running a brothel, decided to offer a discount, and screw up the whole damn theory.

And I know, I know, I was once under the impression that Reuters actually reported news, but that’s only because I went to journalism school and had a whole bunch of purist old-timey crap shoved down my throat. Most of you probably know way better than to believe that tomfoolery, which is why you’re reading some jackass biking blog instead of your local newspaper. Ha! That was a joke! You probably don’t even have a local newspaper anymore, and hence have nothing to wipe your ass with! Ha! Now it’s sad and funny, like so many things in life…

And I know, I know, the headline of the story — “Take off your bicycle helmet, big boy!” — couldn’t be more flame retardant. The least the Reuters editor could have done is made some dumb pun about riding hard or coming as fast as you can or the village bicycle or any number of other PG-13 sleezeball lines. But no, instead we get hard-hitting neutral verbs like “negate,” “arrive,” and “alleviate.” Shakespeare had the cajones to say it like it is, or at least allude to it. Shit, the spam I get is raunchier, and it’s in Russian!

That’s it. The current “media climate” depresses me too much. I’m going back to putting “everything” in quotes and looking for a life-sized inflatable goat. What, is that weird?

The 3rd debate: my vision

THE RULES FOR THIS DEBATE ARE A LITTLE BIT DIFFERENT
by Jonny Waldman

Good evening from Hofstra University in New York, and welcome to this third and final presidential debate, sponsored by the Commission on Presidential Debates and by Taco Bell. I’m Jonny Waldman, a new media consultant hired by CBS News to improve ratings and viewership.  Bob Schieffer declined at the last minute to host tonight’s debate, which is a little bit different than the other debates, so I’m filling in.

Tonight’s debate, as you can see, is the only one with a bar-room format. That’s why there’s a bowl of pretzels next to me, and a gin and tonic in my hand. That’s also why there are no chairs in this venue. There are, however, four open bars in the corners, a boxing ring in the middle, and a dartboard and big-screen TV next to it — but I’ll get to that in a minute.

First, I’d like to thank the Gallup Organization, which has chosen two hundred uncommitted voters from local bars, and brought them here. As you can see, they are milling about the room with me. I’ve been here since noon, and I can report that most of the attendees are thoroughly drunk. About an hour ago a bunch of guys behind me started complaining about their plummeting stocks, and since then feelings of anger and belligerence have spread around the room. Honestly, I’m pretty pissed, too. And definitely tipsy.

As you can also see, the attendees have been given paintball guns, as well as five hundred paintball pellets, which have been marked with the official seals of every state in the Union. Pellets from red states are red, blue states are blue, and tossup states are yellow. For what it’s worth, Washington, DC and U.S. territories are not represented. I’m sure a lawsuit will come of this. More on this in a minute, too.

Rest assured, this is sure to be an exciting debate!

Tonight’s forum will be the debut of some amazing advances in debate technology. The candidates’ handheld microphones have been modified to deliver painful electrical shocks. RFID chips have been inserted into the candidates’ shoes, allowing sensors in the floor to track the candidates, so that viewers at home can follow their moves. On your screens, Senator McCain will be represented by a red Mr. Potato Head icon, and Senator Obama will be represented by a blue Barney icon. Slow-motion, high-definition cameras have been mounted throughout the room to capture the action. The candidates have been provided with puncture-resistant attire and safety glasses, though they have agreed not to throw darts at each other. The candidates have also been wired with medical sensors, so that viewers can observe their heart rate, temperature, blood-alcohol content, and breathing patterns as they answer questions and drink margaritas and react to electrical shocks while dodging paintballs and throwing darts and watching the National League playoffs — all at the same time, right here, live, on nationally-broadcast television.

Tonight’s debate will be conducted in three twentyfive-minute rounds — I mean segments — with two five-minute intermissions in between. During the intermissions the candidates will have the opportunity to visit the restroom, have a cup of coffee, change their clothes, or lie down — anything but keep talking. Meanwhile, CBS News will offer instant replays, highlights, bloopers, and political analysis, while continuing to monitor the candidates’ movements and medical condition. If either candidate requests a restroom visit, a coffee break, couch time, or a change of clothes during the battle — I mean debate — he will be electrically shocked, and attendees will be free to take aim with their paintball guns. Similarly, if a candidate keeps talking during the break, he’ll be shocked and deemed fair game.

Because this is the final debate, and there’s so much to discuss just weeks before the election, questions will not be asked one-at-a-time, as in previous debates. Attendees will be free to yell out their questions whenever they want.

Hold on a minute, not just yet. Almost.

Candidates will only have twenty seconds to answer questions; if they go over the limit, they will be electrically shocked, and attendees will be allowed to fire their paintball guns. If the candidates dodge questions, or don’t answer fully — the same treatment;  they will be shocked and paintballed. If either candidate stands still for more than ten seconds, same deal.

Unlike previous debates, this forum also encourages candidates to talk to each other at the same time, discussing political issues and beliefs the way most Americans do. I know that’s how I do. If they don’t, they will be zapped, and attendees will be allowed to pull their triggers. Furthermore, attendees here and voters online have submitted phrases they are tired of hearing — which include “maverick,” “my friends,” “middle class,” “veteran,” “Kenya,” “my record,” “the Senate,” and “voted.” For the full list, go to CBSnews.com, or watch the ticker on the bottom of your screen. If any candidate mentions one of these forbidden phrases, he will be shocked, and attendees will be permitted to fire at will. As a sponsor of this debate, Taco Bell has agreed to offer one free taco to every American tomorrow if either candidate mentions the phrase, “run for the border.” Last but not least, I will on occasion interrupt the questioning, and ask the candidates to update me on the baseball game, which will be playing on the big-screen TV. If a candidate is unable to authoritatively report what’s been going on, he will be shocked, and attendees will be free to take aim. I have a paintball gun, too.

If, at any point, anyone here runs out of paintballs, he or she may collect five hundred more by chugging a beer in less than thirty seconds. We’ll be covering this story, too.

Now, about that boxing ring right there. The candidates have agreed to remain inside it. This is in part to encourage face-to-face discussion between the two candidates, but it also to give the attendees here a good, clean shot. You’ll note that Senator Joe Biden and Governor Sarah Palin are also present tonight, sitting behind protective glass enclosures on opposite corners of the ring. This is because the candidates may, if necessary, “tag out,” and have their respective vice-presidential candidates fill in. Once a candidate “tags out,” he may not return. On your screens, Senator Biden will be represented by a blue Oscar the Grouch icon, and Governor Palin will be represented by a red Miss Piggy icon. There are additional forbidden phrases, obviously, for the VP’s.

OK, just a few last rules, and then I need another gin and tonic.

Each candidate is wearing an American flag pin on his lapel, just above his heart. If a candidate’s flag is hit with a paintball, the candidate will — as you probably suspected — be shocked and deemed an open target. Believe me, I know: the symbolism will be overwhelming. On the other hand, the candidate must not, under any circumstances, cover up his flag pin, unless he wants to be unsupportive of the troops and unpatriotic. Should that happen, he will forfeit the fight — I mean the debate — immediately.

At the end, we’ll tally the paintball hits each candidate received, and break down what states the paintballs represented. The results won’t actually mean anything, but it should make for a nice graphic.

Finally, as per bar-room-format rules, during the last thirty minutes, each candidate has taken three shots of tequila and chugged three beers, to loosen up. They are now ready to debate.

Ladies and gentlemen, it is now my distinct pleasure to introduce the candidates, Senator Barack Obama of Illinois and Senator John McCain of Arizona.

Let the games begin.

I’m Jonny5, and I approve this blog post.

Inspired by a NY Times story about the history/use of the phrase “I’m [insert politico's name here], and I approve this message,” I came up with some of my own. But first, some primo examples:

mouthful of a non sequitur: “I’m Mike Huckabee and I approved this message because Iowans have a right to know the truth about Mitt Romney’s dishonest attacks on me and even an American hero, John McCain.”

awesomely bitter: I’m Angie Paccione, and I approved this message because if Marilyn keeps lying about my record, I’ll keep telling the truth about hers.”

grammatically + logically retarded: “I’m Don Cazayoux and I approved this message because that’s who I’m fighting for.”

kinda postmodern: “I’m Don Cazayoux, and believe it or not, I approved this message.”

a little bit creative: “I’m Mike Huckabee and I approved this message. So did Chuck [Norris]“

—-
[If only these were real]
“I’m Sarah Palin, and – ah, you know — this message, I mean, this advertisement, on television — for me — even flat screens, these days — I made it — I mean, I gave it the permission — wait, I mean, I give my my approval — I approve it — because, ah, I want — because I’m trying, ah, because I’m going to–”
VOICE OFF SCREEN: –because I’m running–
“–yah, because I’m running, to be, ah, with John McCain, the vice president, of the country — you know, the united states, of which I’m so proud of.”

“I’m John McCain, and I approved this message because whether or not I get tempermental, the fact remains that I’ve known Henry Friggin’ Kissinger for longer than you’ve been able to piss in a pot.”

“I’m Barack Obama, and I approved this message because my father was from Kenya, in case you somehow missed the other 68,000 times I’ve said that.”

the debate went more or less like this (part II)

mccain: obama said he’d talk with ahmadinejad. that’s bad.
obama: i didn’t say i’d have tea with him.
mccain: talking with bad guys is stupid and dangerous. i’d never do that because smart people like henry kissinger would never do it. that’s my philosophy -  WWHKD?
obama: I’m pretty sure henry kissinger said he’d meet with ahmadinejad.
mccain: no way, he’s my advisor and i know him better than you.
obama: do not.
mccain: do too. i’ve known him for 35 years.
obama: whatever. he used to babysit me when i was a kid.
mccain: 35 years, 5 months, and 13 days, not that I’m counting.
obama: he taught me how to ride a bike.
mccain: we took vacations to Bangkok together…
obama: he was at my bar mitzvah.
mccain: once, we went to a show, with two hookers – i mean two nice ladies.
obama: he and my father used to sit around the fireplace and talk about politics until 4am.
mccain: we got so hammered! i don’t even know if they were men or women!
obama: then he’d crash on the couch, and snore through breakfast.
mccain: henry kept shoving his tonuge into her ear!
obama: in a way, kissinger influenced me to get into politics.
mccain: did you know that thai hookers are on average 4″ taller than cambodian hookers?
jim lehrer: ok, next question-
mccain: hold on, i’m summoning the republican powers of reagan. see that halo around me? that’s better.

the debate went more or less like this:

mccain: i take care of those veterans.
obama: so do i.
mccain: i take care of them more than you do. this bracelet was given to me by a veteran. it guides me in everything i do.
obama: my veteran’s bracelet is bigger, and shinier and glows like in the Lord of the Rings. See?
mccain: when veterans stop by my senate office, i give them back rubs.
obama: i let them sit in my chair, and put their feet up on my desk as I give them foot massages.
mccain: i spend a week each year volunteering at a veteran’s hospital.
obama: me too. I tuck them in at night.
mccain: i tell them goodnight stories and sing them lullabies when i turn the lights out.
obama: I’m a regular contributor to Veteran’s Weekly Guide and This American Veteran and on the editorial board of Veteran’s Digest.
mccain: I own 51% of the shares of Veteran’s Media Holdings, Inc., which publishes those magazines.
obama: i have recurring dreams about veterans, and my next book will be dedicated to them.
mccain: i’ve written or sponsored 183 bills honoring our veterans.
obama: i donate 18 percent of my income, after taxes, to charitable veterans organizations.
mccain: my adopted daughter is a veteran. i love her so much.
obama: i shop only at stores run by veterans.
mccain: i’ve been a member of veteran’s union #19 for 35 years.
obama: all of my clothes were made by disabled veterans on welfare living in federal housing projects.
mccain: i founded the Washington DC chapter of the American Association of Veteran’s Support Networks.
obama: two thirds of my staff are veterans.
mccain: i’ve got more. plus we sit in prayer circles every morning at sunrise and pray for other veterans. that’s how much i care about them.
jim lehrer: Ok, time us up. next question-
obama: just one more thing before we move on, Jim – as a teenager in hawaii, i lived in a veterans hippie commune. i literally loved them.
mccain: my wife, cindy, is not actually a woman. she’s a veteran, and after a terrible accident, had an operation-
jim lehrer: -OK, next question….

manly bike for sale

[from Craigslist]

Manly Bike for Sale
Date: 2008-07-22, 10:18AM

Bike for sale

What kind of bike? I don’t know, I’m not a bike scientist. What I am
though is a manly guy looking to sell his bike. This bike is made out
of metal and kick ass spokes. The back reflector was taken off, but if
you think that deters me from riding at night, you’re way wrong. I
practiced ninja training in Japan’s mount Fuji for 5 years and the
first rule they teach about ninja biking is that back reflectors let
the enemy know where you are. Not having a rear reflector is like
saying “FUCK YOU CAR, JUST TRY AND FIND ME”.

The bike says Giant on the side because it’s referring to my junk, but
rest assured even if you have tiny junk that Giant advertisement is
going to remain right where it is. I bought this bike for 300 dollars
from a retired mercenary that fought in both World War 1 and World War
2 and had his right arm bitten off by a shark in the Phillipines while
stationed there as a shark handler. When he sold it to me I had to arm
wrestle him for the honor to buy it. I broke his arm in 7 places when
I did. He was so impressed with me he offered me to be his son but I
thought that was sissy shit so I said no way.

The bike has some rusted screws, but that just shows how much of a bad
ass you are. Everyone knows rusted screws on a bike means that you
probably drove it underwater and that’s bad ass in itself. Those
screws can be replaced with shiny new ones, but if you’re going to go
to that trouble why not just punch yourself in the balls since you’re
probably a dickless lizard who doesn’t like to look intimidating.

The bike is for men because the seat is flat or some shit and not
shaped like a dildo. If you like flat seated bikes you’re going to
love this thing because it doesn’t try to penetrate your ass or
anything.

I’ve topped out at 75 miles per hour on this uphill but if you’re just
a regular man you’ll probably top it out at 10 miles per hour. This
thing is listed as a street bike which is man-code for bike tank. The
bike has 7 speeds in total:

Gear 1 – Sissy Gear
Gear 2 – Less Sissy Gear
Gear 3 – Least Sissy Gear
Gear 4 – Boy Gear
Gear 5 – Pre-teen Boy Gear
Gear 6 – Manly Gear
Gear 7 – Big Muscles Gear
I only like gear 6 and 7 to be honest.

Additionally, this tool of all immense men comes with a gigantic lock
to keep it secure. The lock is the size of a bull’s testicles and
tells people you don’t fuck around with locking up your bike tank. It
tells would-be-thieves “Hey asshole, touch this bike and I’ll appear
from the bushes ready to club you with a two-by-four”.

Bike is for 150 OBO (and don’t give me no panzy prices)

Rejected McSweeney’s Submission (#5)

LUKEWARM EBAY FEEDBACK

(By Jonny Waldman)

Depending on your definition of “good,” product arrived more or less as advertised!!!

Postage was firmly attached to box!!!!!

Seller does not have a criminal record!!!

Product has no mold or mildew and does not smell like vomit!!!!

Name and address on product were legible and spelled correctly!!!

Bubble wrap used as packing material was full of genuine air!!!!

Return address was properly positioned in upper left corner — exactly where it should be!!!

Seller only charged 8.5% sales tax!!!!!

Cardboard box is reusable, and recycleable in most states!!!!!

Seller is moderately proficient with email and replied to most inquiries!!!!

Pleasant transaction — no hassles or threats or coercion!!!!!

Payment by notarized, certified cashier’s check is annoying, but not terrible!!!

Seller’s ebay store has nice graphics!!!!

Product appears genuine, or very very very good imitation!!!!

Hotter and Cheaper than Ever!!!

I know, I know, it’s not bike or goat related, but since I’m such a fan of awesome acronyms, I figured this was warranted.

Courtesy of Spirit Air

This week in funny stuff

‘Twas a funny week, this last one, on account of:

a) Kasper Hauser, an SF comedy group responsible for KHraigslist (see above) and Sky Maul, among other silly stuff. (I challenge you to read the faux-craigslist ads without snorting/crying.)

b) Robin Cooper’s ridiculous collection, “The Timewaster Letters.”

c) Ken Kalfus’ sharp book, “A Disorder Peculiar to the Country.”

d) My 6th McSweeney’s submission, which (I’m not making this up) is apparently IMPOSSIBLE to email to McSweeney’s. I’ve tried four times, now (as humbly as I can put it, as far as e-mail skills go, I’d say I’m in the 99th percentile), and every time someone there writes me back saying that my email was blank. I do not understand.

—–

LUKEWARM EBAY FEEDBACK

By Jonny Waldman

Depending on your definition of “good,” product arrived more or less as advertised!!!

Postage was firmly attached to box!!!!!

Seller does not have a criminal record!!!

Product has no mold or mildew!!!!

Name and address on product were legible and spelled correctly!!!

Bubble wrap used as packing material was full of genuine air!!!!

Return address was properly positioned in upper left corner — exactly where it should be!!!

Seller only charged 8.5% sales tax!!!!!

Cardboard box is reusable, and recycleable in most states!!!!!

Seller is moderately proficient with email and replied to most inquiries!!!!

Pleasant transaction — no hassles or threats or coercion!!!!!

Payment by notarized, certified cashier’s check is annoying, but not terrible!!!

Seller’s ebay store has nice graphics!!!!

Product appears genuine, or very very very good imitation!!!!

Censorship: an update

5th Time’s a Charm

Voila: my 5th submission (here’s 1, 2, 3, and 4) was NOT rejected, and is up on McSweeney’s. Here ’tis:

JONNY’S
LEGAL ADVISERS
HEREBY INFORM YOU
OF JONNY’S WISH THAT
YOU ENJOY A HAPPY
VALENTINE’S DAY.

BY JONNY WALDMAN

- – - -

Jonny’s legal advisers hereby inform you of Jonny’s wish that you enjoy a happy Valentine’s Day, as well as the enclosed small personal gift.*

- – - -

* If this message has arrived erroneously, and/or you are not Jonny’s girlfriend, please delete it and any copies of it immediately. Physical or electronic reproduction of this memo without express permission from Jonny’s legal advisers is prohibited, and punishable by state, federal, and/or international laws.

As a designated recipient of this memo, you are immediately and indefinitely subject to the conditions, provisions, constraints, liabilities, responsibilities, and limitations of this memo as set forth by Jonny’s legal advisers, as outlined below. This memo supersedes all other comparable Valentine’s Day memos, verbal or written, between you and Jonny.

Regulations in some states and/or ongoing federal investigations may require Jonny to disclose certain personal information, including but not limited to bank-account numbers, Social Security numbers, previous tax records, medical histories, Internet-browsing histories, and/or investment portfolios, belonging to the recipient(s) of this memo. By reading this memo, you acknowledge and permit such disclosure.

Small personal gift may contain tracking device and/or computer viruses and/or self-destruct hardware.

Destroying, selling, disposing of, or tampering with small personal gift is a felony, punishable by a fine up to $200,000 and/or 10 years in prison.

Certain outcomes of certain investigations may require you to return your small personal gift and indefinitely deny its existence.

Small personal gift has no cash value.

All information contained in this memo is confidential. Disclosure of the information contained herein to anyone is forbidden, and may be considered to be in contempt of California state courts, federal court, and/or ongoing national-security investigations. Recipients of this memo are hereby advised that they may be monitored via video, wiretapping, and/or other forms of electronic surveillance.

Please do not reply to this memo via e-mail, as Jonny no longer has the time or the computer access necessary to check any e-mail account(s). Be advised that if you do reply to Jonny via e-mail, your reply may be monitored by private investigators and/or the FBI, the CIA, the DHS, and/or the NSA.

To schedule a personal Valentine’s Day visit with Jonny, please call the Department of Corrections and Rehabilitation Visitor Line, at 1-800-555-8474, between 9 a.m. and 5 p.m., Monday through Friday. Refer to inmate No. 4529-98-43-0782.

Please do not forward this memo, or mention any part of it, to any relatives of Jonny.

Be advised that Valentine’s Day gifts sent to Jonny (via the Department of Corrections and Rehabilitation) will be searched and examined, and then sold at auction, and that the funds gained from selling said gifts will be used to fund Jonny’s legal team. All such gifts are appreciated.

Recipients of this memo are required by state and federal laws to sign, date, and notarize this memo and to return it via registered, insured mail, by February 28, 2008, to Jonny’s legal advisers, c/o Office of the Clerk, U.S. Court of Appeals for the 9th Circuit, P.O. Box 193939, San Francisco, CA 94119. Recipients are also obligated to include their 2006 and 2007 IRS tax records. Recipients may keep blue copy for personal records, and yellow copy for legal records. All other copies must be returned.

This memo is for general Valentine’s Day purposes only, and is valid in perpetuity as of February 14, 2008.

Jonny is not liable for any physical, emotional, medical, financial, legal, or psychological damage resulting from this memo.

All rights reserved. Copyright 2008, Jonny’s legal advisers.

Rejected Mcsweeney’s Submission (#4)

YOUR LANGUAGE. YOUR ECONOMY. YOUR RIDICULOUS MARKETING THEME.

your security. your taxes. your local police department.

your desire. your money. your monthly credit card statement.

your health. your privacy. your public urinal.

your satisfaction. your thirst. your disposable coffee cup.

your freedom. your safety. your orange traffic cone.

your hygiene. your comfort. your toilet paper.

your personality. your style. your pre-washed snarky t-shirt.

your energy. your mobility. your gas station.

your pleasure. your bachelorhood. your lubricated condom.

your future. your retirment. your pre-recorded television gameshow.

Rejected Mcsweeney’s Submission (#2)

APHORISMS THAT NEVER CAUGHT ON

16.5 one way, half the ounces in a Nalgene bottle the other

5 one way, half of your metatarsals the other

3 one way, half the number of beers in a six-pack the other

106 one way, halfway to the boiling point of water, in degrees Fahrenheit, the other

4 one way, half the number of pounds in a gallon of water the other

800 one way, half the meters in a mile the other

5 followed by 99 zeroes, half a googol the other

Rejected Mcsweeney’s Submission (#1)

MALE ANATOMY: SPAM OR SHAKESPEARE?

1) dart of love
2) one inch wonder
3) three inch fool
4) willy
5) roger
6) huge male meat
7) thumping latoya
8. potent regiment
9) potato finger
10) codpiece
11) trouser mouse
12) great tool
13) long tool
14) good root
15) bouffant body part
16) great natural
17) poll axe
18) sword
19) weapon
20) baby carrot
21) little finger
22) one-eyed monster
23) holy thistle
24) pizzle
25) prick
26) instrument
27) organ
28) stump
29) thing
30) cock
31) winter power
32) queen size fuck stick

Answers: 1) shakespeare; 2) spam; 3) shakespeare; 4) spam; 5) shakespeare; 6) spam; 7) spam; 8. shakespeare; 9) shakespeare; 10) shakespeare; 11) spam; 12) shakespeare; 13) shakespeare; 14) shakespeare; 15) spam; 16) shakespeare; 17) shakespeare; 18) shakespeare; 19) shakespeare; 20) spam; 21) shakespeare; 22) spam; 23) shakespeare; 24) shakespeare; 25) shakespeare; 26) shakespeare; 27) shakespeare; 28) shakespeare; 29) shakespeare; 30) shakespeare; 31) spam; 32) spam

today’s funny (it’s brilliant), from mcsweeney’s

A PRESIDENTIAL-CAMPAIGN SPEECH THAT WILL HELP YOU SWEEP THE POPULAR VOTE.
by Adam Sachs
—-
Ladies and Gentlemen,

Thank you very much for inviting me to your wonderful state here in the great heartland of America but also pretty near the coast. It is an honor to speak from this podium, in this storied courthouse, where so many profound legal judgments were handed down that they more or less canceled each other out.

I am a simple man with a Harvard degree and a solid understanding of tractors. When I was a young boy, my father took me on his knee and told me the principle that has guided my life ever since: “Agree with some things, disagree with other things.” His was truly the Greatest Generation, along with a few that came before and a couple that have come since.

Why am I running for president of the United States of America? That’s a good question, and perhaps there’s no good way to answer it. Or perhaps there is a good way to answer it. Either way, it’s a good question and I’m glad it was raised.

I want to talk a little bit about our nation’s children. Before this speech, a young man named Stanley Exley came up to me. Stanley is a mechanic, a noble profession if there ever was one. Or perhaps he is a chemistry professor, also noble. He was holding his small daughter, Emily, an adorable 3-year-old who was recently diagnosed with leukemia. Stanley is a straight shooter, and he came up to me and asked me a question I’ll never forget: “Do you like children?” And I looked him straight in the eye and said, “Yes, Stanley, I very much like children.” Maybe that’s not a popular opinion, but it’s what I believe. And to those of you who would say, “I don’t think children are our future,” I must reply in the strongest of terms: “I disagree.” Sometimes you have to take a stand for what you believe in.

Our country is sharply divided over a war that is being waged in a distant land. My views on this war are clear: it is happening, it is happening in Iraq, and it will continue to happen until it stops. Some people believe we should withdraw all the troops now. Some people believe we should stay and fight until we’ve established a stable nation. Some people believe we should gradually hand over control to the Iraqi government. I feel blessed to live in a country with so many beliefs.

On the subject of South African apartheid: I strongly, strongly, strongly oppose it. I’m glad it’s gone, and I hope it never comes back.

The state of our economy is in flux. Every single day, the stock market goes up or goes down or stays the same. If elected president, I will ask the Federal Reserve to take a good long look at the interest rate and decide whether or not to change it. If elected president, I will create jobs where there are none, and where there are jobs, I will create internships.

Let us take actions that will make people happy.

Let us take actions that will make people healthy or perhaps have the private sector do it.

Let us take actions regarding taxes.

And let us move boldly so that our children and our children’s children can look back and say, “I’m glad they moved boldly on this, this, and that.”

Thank you.